Of bunga telur and bally shoes

Remember that?

Remember school?

Writing essays after essays for college applications has forced me to take a long, hard look at my life. Memories I've so far pushed down and refuse to acknowledge have come bubbling up to the surface.

I never belonged in secondary school. Not for one moment, not for one second. It was not my place. Sure, I made friends and I love them to this day. But that feeling of standing on the fringes, of being the outsider looking in, never went away.

I remember attending this party of a friend of mine, every single year, because she was a good friend, and because she never failed to wish me happy birthday, and because one year she bought a cake for me. I don't forget things like that, I remember that black and white Oreo cake, I remember how I felt so happy that for once in my life, I got something. It wasn't the countless surprise parties that I arranged for my friends, it wasn't the elaborate gifts we spent hours planning. It wasn't even about the cake. It was that feeling of knowing someone bothered enough to call my brother and ask my home address, and to deliver that cake, simply because they wanted to. But going to these parties of hers and her friends at time, should I be so lucky to have been invited (note sarcasm), I felt fake. I would look out at the people and I would count the minutes so that I could go home. I would call my brother or my father to come pick me up, because I'd had enough. It was an exclusive club, these people were in and I wasn't in it.

That was school for me. I remember how I used to stay at home at least 2 days a week in early secondary school because I hated school. I hated going through the motions, just smiling and talking when I just felt like screaming. I loved staying at home and watching the marathon of Kim Possible and Totally Spies and That's So Raven (sue me) and so many other shows I can't remember.

I remember how I refused to join the LEO Club because all the popular people were in it, and it was "their" club. Same with Scouts. I don't blame these people, most of them were amazingly nice, but they belonged in this exclusive little club, where you could only gain admission by means I never knew. Not that I wanted to, at least after a while. All the "community service" they used to do, washing cars, helping out the neighborhood screamed "fake" to me. Yes, I know some of them really cared but why were most people doing it? Scholarship, they used to tell me. Resume. I admit I too got carried away at times, and started thinking of my resume. I too did certain things because of that nagging doubt and the look people told me when I told them I was not in 5 clubs and I didn't hold posts in any of them. That condescending tone of "It's okay. At least you're good in your studies" infuriated me and was one of the reasons why 9As for SPM was not enough for me. No, I had felt the need to prove to these people that all the time I spent not participating in "community service" was not wasted, that it'd gone towards getting better grades.

What did it matter in the end? Did you get a scholarship? Did you get Bank Negara or JPA or another scholarship? Did they care that you did community service? Was it just your grades?

I've gone off on tangents here and I apologize. The fact of the matter is high school was terrible for me and I really don't know how some people can say it was the best time of their lives. I envy you. But for me, as I left high school, I finally felt that feeling of suffocation lift.

I saw and old teacher of mine yesterday and went up to say hi. We spoke for a little while and she told me that she'd seen me in school the other day. Yes, she had. I had gone back to get a recommendation letter. But the only thing I remember was trying to get out of there as fast as I could, because being near that place again, that horrible, wretched place, brought back so many memories I didn't need, of countless rejections and failures and that one feeling I had, that secret feeling over 5 years that I never belonged there.

Special

I believe everyone thinks they're special.

In some way, we all believe that. We have a good heart, we're intelligent, we get scholarships, we're in one of the best universities in the world, we're doing medicine, we have unusual life circumstances. Things other people can never imagine.

But when it comes down to it, are we really special?

Is anyone besides our immediate circle of friends and family going to bat an eye when we leave? Or die?

Are we really going to make a difference in this world, aside from what we do in our jobs? Sure, we might save a few lives as a doctor, advance our economy as businessmen, defend an innocent man as a criminal lawyer. But is that really difference? Is that really special? Does that really make us any better than anyone else, everyone else who make their own contributions to our world?

One day, we might finally wake up and realise that none of us is special, that thinking we are is just an effort in futility.

And that, by definition, makes you special.

What to do when you're rejected from a college

1. Pretend its fine, that you don't really care.

2. Binge

3. Watch your favourite show of the moment.



4. Convince yourself that should you not get into any other school, your back up plan of going to a local university to do twinning might be just as fun, if not more.

5. Sleep.

Rejected.

Dear Dinesh,

It is with regret that I write to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to the freshman class at Stanford University. Please know that this decision does not necessarily reflect any deficiency or weakness in your application. To the contrary, we are humbled by your talents and achievements, and are impressed with the commitment that you have shown in all of your academic and extracurricular endeavors.

We appreciate the thoughtfulness and care that went into your application and want to assure you that your candidacy received thorough and serious consideration. This decision should in no way detract from the very impressive credentials that you presented; due to the large number of applications that we receive for a comparatively small incoming class, we must unfortunately disappoint the vast majority of our applicants each year.

You should know that we arrive at all admission decisions by way of an exhaustive committee review process. As a result, all application decisions are final, and we are unable to consider appeals of any kind. To find answers to some of the most commonly asked questions regarding our admission process, click here. I hope that these will address any questions or concerns that you may have.

I know this must be disappointing news to receive and for that reason we will not send a duplicate notification of this decision by mail unless you request one from us. If you wish to request an additional copy of this letter by mail, you may do so here.

Dinesh, you are a fine student and I want to thank you for your interest in Stanford, and the effort that you put into your application. I wish you the very best for an outstanding undergraduate experience.



Meh. Expected.

Tryin to decide, trying to decide, if I really wanna...

.... apply to 15 schools, not 12. Props to anyone who got the subject line.

But anyway, yeah I know I'm blogging a lot about my applications but lets be honest. Aside from a few other things, that's practically my life now. All my friends are in uni, and lets face it, I'm almost too lazy to call up other friends in case I'll be bothering them.

So yeah, basically, I've applied to Stanford, Harvard and SUNY Plattsburgh. I know, I know, Stanford and Harvard and all is just a pipe dream, its like never gonna happen. But its nice to dream, isn't it?

Lets see what happens. I have 9 more colleges to apply to, 12 if I decide to apply to Williams, Bates and UM Morris. Yeah I know you don't have any idea what I'm talking about, but hey, its my blog.

A new beginning

Dear XXXX,

I'm sure you know by now that I have not accepted the offer for enrollment at UNSW/Monash for the MBBS program.

The reason for this is I have decided to take a year off for my studies, to decide if medicine is truly what I intend to do in the future. This has been a rather abrupt change, I know, but I trust and hope you will consider me once more should I decide to reapply next year.

Thank you so much for everything. I truly am sorry I am unable to attend UNSW/Monash at this moment.

Regards,
Dinesh.

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My dad always said to keep my options open.

Ladies and gentlemen, I will be applying to US universities for the fall of 2010 (Aug/Sept). Yes, I've made up my mind and I'm not looking back.

If I don't make it to the States, I will at least know that I tried, and I will probably do some sort of twinning program here in Malaysia. Hopefully, I will know what I want to do by then (US allows you to go in undecided).

P.S. I deleted all my previous posts. I wanted this to be a fresh start, for me and the 1 to 2 people who read my blog. (If you read, comment. I feel like I'm writing in a personal diary at this point)

So join me while I go through the application process (trust me, its not like applying to Australia, its so much harder and more self-reflective) and get decisions from my colleges. I hope it'll be an exciting ride, for me and you.